One of the new people I’ve met this year (and I’ll ashamedly admit have not hung out with enough) is Jeff and I was reading his blog this morning. This post in specific. And it rung true to me. Weirdly enough that I awoke from a dream wherein things of the past had returned, and it became less about the person and more about the companionship, laughter and love. That’s what I dreamed about. I know. I’m like a Selena Gomez song.
So it was comforting to realize that someone else felt that way and that Jeff could express it in a way that I would not be able to – with brevity, clarity and focus. My ramblings, as I’ve seen, can be a major downfall in that I’ve taught myself to overcommunicate. At times not saying anything in doing so though.
It’s snowing today and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t love it. It feels right. It feels perfect. It matches everything. Insert giant hand circling motion to indicate ‘everything.’
The week started out with some great reading too, via Thought Catalog, in the form of these two pieces: “Who should say ‘I love you’ first (and why)” and “You don’t need to say anything.” The latter of which did break my heart a bit. It’s a real bitch when you have to walk away. I think we all want the combustion, the cleanse of a great fire. But life doesn’t always work out that way to have these clean, compartmentalized endings. Your brain knows it’s time to go, but you’re heart is a difficult beast to keep in line especially when what you want and what you need to do are two paths set for polar opposite directions.
As Jeff pointed out in his article, sometimes it’s nice to prepare your dinner-for-one, sit alone, read a book and know that all this time spent alone is not necessarily loneliness and does not equate failure or despair.
To be honest, I’ve been pushing myself a bit too much to get back on the proverbial horse and while I think it’s been in a guise of “keep yourself preoccupied,” there’s just a lot of residual stuff that I think the last year or so has left in me that I need to breathe out. All of it needs to be exhaled.
But it’s hard. It’s hard not to ask, “What’s wrong with me? Why haven’t I figured this out yet?” But knowing that thinking gets me nowhere and also having an ego of unnatural proportions, I think I’m a pretty amazing person and will be an amazing (and have been if I’m fair) boyfriend and one day a pretty great husband.
Until then, there’s a lot of other exploration to be doing. And there’s a PS3 that’s just waiting to be opened which will truly provide hours of distraction versus trying to make online dating happen.
2012 is going to be a year of organic growth. Less about force and pressure and more about being AWARE of opportunities on all fronts and moving forward in places I can and learning my way around the walls I hit. Or getting the gumption to climb over. I feel no victimhood. I feel only more courage. I feel only more strength out of having a punch in the gut.
This coming year I want to focus more on happiness and just doing anything and everything to keep myself happy and my friends happy. Which means less recklessness, less “I’m okay” and more “Well, life is good. But I’m waiting for this guy to show up.” Honestly. Transparency. More smiling. More laughter. More effort when it comes to people who I feel add to my life, like with my friend Jeff. Who has and does deserve better friendship out of me. So many of my friends do.
Weird how the physical journey here has now really ended and the psychological/emotional journey of “Okay, but now who do you WANT to be” has kicked off. Now the real fun/work/scariness kicks in.
The doctor must take his own medicine. As I tell job seekers, “The name of the game is hustling.” Indeed it is – but not just in looking for a job. The game of life is themed by the same word. If you’re not hustling, you’re probably being taken down by the current.
I’m looking forward to seeing my family for a few days over the holiday. Always good to feel swaddled in unconditional love and know that you’re just you and will be loved no matter what.
I’m ready to commit to 2012 in a way that I was more unsure what 2011 was going to be about. A little more security, a little more stability has afforded me now more opportunity to step out on other ledges.
I’m grateful. And happy. And ready for more.
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