The concept of ‘new year’ and rebirth seems weird to celebrate in the early part of winter. I find it more suitable for the spring when everything comes alive and is actually lush with life. However, like most, I still honor the concept of ending the calendar year on 12/31 by imbibing alcohol and spending time with friends or family each year.
This year has been brilliant awful beautiful amazing heartbreaking love-filled ugly sad joyous lesson-filled. For me, I took a wonderful tumble in learning when and how your emotions can positively (or negatively, as is most often the case) influence your outlook and participation in life. How to forgive greatly. How to let go of pain. How to embrace the uncertainty of where the next step will bubble up that you are supposed to walk upon. How to give love and receive love and honor each love as its own. How to be less responsible for others and therefore owning up to the responsibility and power over myself. How to be less black and white, which is a constant opportunity for growth.
No, I wouldn’t change a thing about 2011. Like others that came before, and like many soon to follow, it was eye-opening. I cannot forget or erase what’s happened and wouldn’t want to. All the people that crossed my path have been amazing teachers that I’m lucky to have learned something from.
My journey forward beyond the last 365 days is one that focuses on nurturing organic growth, more natural socialization and less inclination toward exhibitionism (and equally voyeuristic) for the sake of feeling like someone is paying attention/that I’m special/what I’m saying or doing is unique. I think expression in defined settings with defined purpose of exploration is what intrigues me. So I may get back into some sort of performance art work this year or finally kick my ass back into acting or tackle the unnerving possibility of stand-up.
I’ve grown closer to my own heart and mind, especially in the last few months. In the moments that I lost myself, I don’t think I could have learned to honor myself before I can honor anyone else. This year is about defining needs and wants and being brave enough to make significant changes (and take risks as necessary for those changes) to break my own cycles and patterns of behavior that has done nothing for me except kept me stuck. I take these risks for the sake of my own desires and for the journey they provide, not the results that others could react to and feel obligated to discuss.
Piggybacking off of that, this year has proven to me that there’s too much talking and not enough listening. Even in my own life, I’ve become too distracted – tried to hard to be everything, everywhere to everyone and I’ve missed opportunities to place roots within good people whom I feel are trustworthy and whole. I’m going to unplug a bit on a personal level and put more effort into being a more present, reliable, good friend that doesn’t just exist existentially. And I want to do this because I want more people like that in my life. The real deal. Not the illusion of numbers, the facade of personas that don’t exist outside of social media.
A year to continue learning in both an academic and personal sense, finding better focus in what my strengths are and how to appropriately support and enhance them, while challenging myself to become stronger in areas where I’ve been fearful of change. Finding out where I want my own career to be and what I want to do to feel fulfilled. It’s only fair that if I’m asking, I should have some answer. Interestingly enough that all the questions I seem to be asking, I really meant to ask myself and therefore start the journey to find the answers. And let the evolution continue.
Most importantly, I extend more love toward myself this year than I have this past year. Instead of criticism or serving myself up for approval/affirmation in the eyes of others, I’m relying on myself. And the knowledge that who I am is who I am and that my worth is not defined by anyone else – ever. I’ll be better at picking and choosing my battles and allowing the influence of others wash upon me as more of a flavor than a base of thought or opinion. Being open to others while still being rooted firmly in myself.
Best of luck to you on your journey in the coming year(s) and I wish you all the things you hope to change and become in your own life, whatever those things may be in whatever time you hope to receive or achieve them.
xoxo
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