I tweeted this yesterday:
As I get older, I realize there’s no such thing as closure. The reality is you can make peace: not for or with someone else, only yourself.
I sometimes what the most sacred betrayal is. Obviously, many others have thought this to. All you have to do is look at Judas, who literally sold Jesus into death.
But does the betrayal come upon the act or upon the internal choice? When you betray your own morality and at what point do you have to make a choice that could impact your relationships with yourself and ultimately everyone else?
Sometimes you have to make the argument in your own life of who is your Jesus and who is your Judas. Who will be there to walk with you into a life filled with purpose and self-fulfillment and who will be there to walk with you into the depths of personal sacrifice at the cost of losing it all?
Like wolves in sheep’s clothes, it’s very hard to see how people will impact your life. Do they act as agents of positive change, supportive of growth and enlightenment and evolution? Or are they chains of burden, filled with weight of blame, shame, guilt and degradation? It’s so hard to tell.
Funny that this tweet and post sat in draft for so long and had nothing to do with the rest of this thought – but there’s some relation. At the end of the day, you have to look to your own center, whether that be spiritual or logic or emotional, and decide your path. Life will offer you up no explanations, only options of how to proceed.
Choices that lead to choices that lead to choices. None are wrong. None are right. Some fit with your goals. Some don’t. Life does not accept auto-pilot. And if you want to live that way, life will eventually break you. Life wants someone with fight. To live is to persevere and maybe the entire point is to find the peace and the joy in the purpose of actively living. It’s not to fight against death, it’s to be present of mind with this moment.
I’ve come to realize that there is no one to tell you what you should be doing – as much as we all want that person to just give us direction. It doesn’t exist. Or if someone is giving you direction, it’s a grand feat of puppeteering.
I choose to let go of the strife. It’s all for nought. I thought that in order to feel success or accomplishment, you had to OVERCOME. You had to fight. What a youthful construct to believe in. I’ve defined what life means to me and how I want to proceed.
And to that point, it’s become much clearer as to who will be part of my life to allow that to happen and who is afraid of this level of honesty that will try to put me down, interrogate me, or impress upon a different set of values that I should live by.
Trust is probably one of the most intimate things two people can share, even beyond sex. And it’s a sacred bond. I do not hand it out lightly. I do not receive it lightly. It is earned. And it is worth the earning.
It takes time. It takes patience. It takes empathy. It takes transparency. It takes bravery. It takes honesty.
To betray someone is to cut them to the core with no sword. It’s irreparable, but can be forgiven. And it takes a big person to offer up that level of forgiveness. But we never forget a broken bond. Ever. We never forget that feeling of having the rug pulled out from underneath our feet on a spiritual level.
But if you can find it and be gifted it – it’s amazing. And that’s the lesson. Sometimes it’s less about love and such. Sometimes it just has to do with trust. Sometimes they come hand in hand.
Fact is you cannot expect someone else to define what this will be, what it will look like, what it will mean, where you will find it and how it will evolve. You just have to have a bit of blind faith in humanity. And then be able to take what you’ve learned and apply it as you age.
Everyone knows how to hurt. But it takes a big person to choose to heal.
Photo via Jon Jacobsen.