Give me more.

I always get so intrigued going back to hear artists talk about the impetus of a song, where it came from, the environment in which the emotion cultivated such a thought.

“…in ‘Hotel’ she says goodbye to someone she perhaps might have married. I think as you’re getting married, all the loves, even the 10-minutes loves, are popping up. ‘Hotel’ was really like feeling like an agent – a spy – in that he was the greatest guy at one time and they were giving me time behind enemy lines. Even though she knows they can’t be lovers because it’s a whole other life, she just can’t let him go. That’s the thing about letting old lovers go. You don’t stop loving some of them. There are a couple you love no less than you ever did. Not to mention names…but I’m still in love with a couple. You’re not going to try to make it work again, but if they needed you, you’d drop everything.” –

Tori Amos, Alternative Press 7/98

httpa://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M3bRVMSi12Q

A gratitude list.

I was asked if I had ever made a gratitude list. Not to my knowledge. At times on this blog I’ll call out some things that I’m appreciative of and grateful for, but perhaps a laundry list is needed.

httpa://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AXELBsw1xak

I am grateful for:

  • Loving parents who have never given up on me.
  • A mother who is a bad-ass and has taught me to be a fighter.
  • A father who passed along his charming and endearing qualities of big personality to me.
  • Finding people who get me, even when I don’t get myself, and remind me to never give up on me.
  • Having loved as much as I have thus far and having been loved in return.
  • The opportunities my education and career have presented to me; the people who took a chance on me.
  • The chance to breathe and grow.
  • The luxuries of time and space to think.
  • Peace of mind that comes with physical repetition and exertion.
  • Finding spirituality in my own way and feeling free to share that as I desire, or not.
  • The times I’ve cried my heart out.
  • The food in my belly and the roof over my head.
  • My job and the joy I find in going to work each day.
  • Coworkers who are inspiring and a joy to be with.
  • Conversations that push buttons, especially when they can push my own.
  • The chance to apply knowledge and see the change I want to be.
  • Those friends who will kick my ass as needed.
  • Children. Because they remind me to be a little more big-hearted when it comes to the world.
  • The materials to be expressive.
  • My apartment and it’s re-charging capabilities.
  • My duality.
  • Music. Music. Music. Music.
  • Curiosity and books and knowledge.
  • People who are less interested in self-awareness.
  • The ability to forgive myself, which has come to me only recently. And therein the ability to forgive others.
  • Myth and the lack of answers.
  • Therapy and my therapist for being a sounding board. And providing me a place of practice.
  • Magic.
  • Donuts and cookies and brownies and everything sweet.
  • The smell of freshly cut grass.
  • Vegetables that nurture me.
  • A comfortable and comforting bed.
  • Humor that has been given to me.
  • Simplicity and stability.
  • For my health and my body.
  • Empathy and emotional wisdom that’s always making me wake up.
  • Blazing hot 90 degree days at the beach.
  • Quiet, falling snow and the crunch of boots within it.
  • Awareness, especially of myself.
  • The vegetation in this concrete jungle that gives a reminder of the beauty within nature.
  • Death as a means to make important the value of living.
  • Froyo.
  • The ability to see windows opening when doors close.
  • The chance to sit here and type this and have technology readily accessible.
  • Clean water.
  • Shoes.
  • Oreo cookies.
  • Intelligent and artistic people surrounding.
  • Intellectualism.
  • Ice lattes.

What I want:

  • To be a better friend to my friends.
  • To be readily accessible.
  • To be free and open from all self-judging.
  • To value perspectives outside of myself as a method of learning my own way.
  • To learn how to sit quietly in listening mode.
  • Children, preferably two.
  • A husband who is caring, intelligent, funny, passionate and optimistically progressive.
  • A warm and inviting home.
  • To be more socially integrated and less inhibited in terms of new people.
  • To recognize the divine in every person and offer empathy and compassion to all.