Split the cost, split the gain

love flickr aleksandra

I am a person who divulges all to those who I find similar wavelengths with. I have no real interest in being fractured or splintered to offer only parts of myself to different parts of people. Probably why I have a hard time understanding people who keep so much of themselves hidden away or held back. I don’t know that discipline or that preference.

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I was watching “Iyanla: Fix My Life” last night because…well, I cannot explain myself and retain any self-respect or dignity so shutup.

ANYWAY. Bat-shit crazy Iyanla, in her best impression of Rafiki, was speaking to a family who were having issues coming to terms with their son’s homosexuality. As the son pointed out that he felt that his parents, specifically his father, didn’t address his sexuality, he didn’t feel that he was being ignored – which Iyanla was suggesting. Her viewpoint was that the father was denying the son’s existence.

Her point was that – whether he felt his sexuality defined him or not, it was part of his fullness and that when he walked into a room of people who would not get to know his fullness, they could easily and simply sum him up as a gay man.

I guess I got the point. I, too, feel my sexuality is just a flavor of my personality but to ignore that part – even for myself – is to deny the fullness of my existence. And for someone else to ignore that part of me is to not fully know me, love me, appreciate me or accept me.

I’ll buy that.

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I have these weird moments where I feel unjustifiably ‘wise’ in comparison to other people. Or at least help others come to terms with shit they are unwilling to face head on or deal with in the simplest of terms. Sometimes I think maybe I should have gone into counseling. I guess I still have time to do something about that if I really want it.

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This is in my mind on repeat. The drama. The tension. The Bond-ness of it all.

A lack of resolution.

httpa://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9fO07POv5IU

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I have been having this itch of ‘What’s next?’ in the last few weeks. I think it’s that time of year where you reflect on the year and your life and get stuck into that weird and unproductive pattern of hindsight judgment.

I learned this week from my training class that hindsight is a trap. The best thing you can ever do for yourself is to recognize what happened and LEARN. And apply what you’ve learned as you continue to move. Motion is more important than planning. The planning is a tool to help organize movement but does not account for the entirety of the journey. If you stick to the plan, you’ll be in grueling pain.

That’s the thing I’ve learned both professionally and personally this week.

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I feel released from pain. Released from torment. Released from obligation to this world, from capitalism, from societal expectations, from people’s judgment, from all the baggage of the past.

I feel equanimous and at peace. That state makes others really uncomfortable. Being at ease is so foreign to so many that it it’s terrifying that others don’t understand that an absence of all feeling is a neutral state of bliss.

Those who try to be happy all the time – and I’m talking about the people who FORCE themselves into that state – are no different than coke addicts doing lines one after the other. Addicts chasing the high. The same could be said for those who wallow in pain.

I watched Sarah Silverman’s recent standup special and she made a really good point:

If you quit being cunty the whole world will stop being against you!

Amen. The people who think the world is out to get them are so wrapped up in their own perceptual shit that has nothing to do with the rest of us who have to deal or interact with them. Just stop being shitty.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1bZfzscQMjU

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Photo courtesy: Love/ Flickr by Walisz

 

Fresh coats of paint.

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New colors and painting can change a perspective, can change an outlook, can change a demeanor, can change an aura.

So refreshing.

Who knew ‘Africa Violet’ would be as calming as it sounds? (Note: Photo above is not my apartment. Salmon is not a color I’d ever use.)

Life is good. This abode is starting to feel like a home lived in. Work is expanding and exciting. A sense of wholeness. A sense of happiness. A sense of satisfaction, however usually fleeting before I’m on to my next mountain to climb and self-imposed hurdles to jump over to attain a better version of myself.

But for now…just peace. Just calm. Just mirth. And letting chips fall where they may when it comes to getting that icing-on-the-cake kind of guy.

Pastel ward

Do you really wanna know?

There’s so many things that I could always say and yet I feel like it doesn’t need to be heard. Doesn’t want to be heard. Doesn’t need to be said.

Many days I just feel like I’m not gonna get it right. Like it’s just not supposed to be. It’s not going to click and a lot of life is meant to be experienced by other people and my own existence is just what it is.

It sounds so tragic or self-pitying, but I don’t mean it that way. I’ve just come to realize that I’m okay with myself. I’m okay with who I am and maybe, just maybe, all lives are not created equal. We all don’t get to experience the ideals that we are sold or impressed upon.

I’m getting tired of talking about myself. I’m getting tired of not taking a pause. It’s okay to pause. To breath. To be silent and feel relaxed in that moment of quiet.

Someone retweeted some thoughts I sent out awhile ago and they resonated today.

“The moment when you let go and life gives you what you need. That moment of clarity is what I equate divinity to be.”

It’s true. Perhaps all these signs are pointing me to follow my gut and find myself within faith. A larger faith. A larger commune. Among people. Among followers.

I don’t know.

“The journey is less about becoming good and more about becoming whole.”

That is evident. And has been for years. I unlocked the door to introspection and there will be nothing that shuts it. For better or worse, it’s become my key to awakening and my cage. The latter because I cannot put it aside long enough to sit back and just throw caution to the wind.

If you knew the times that I felt completely alone, you’d be shaken. But there’s a weathered resolve in me to survive, live, thrive and make the best of the mess of me, so don’t go pitying me. It sucks feeling or thinking that you’ll always feel this alone and that no one is going to ‘get you.’ Maybe I’m too pretentious.

I’ve reached a place where I’m comfortable with who I am. It’s not that I’m incapable of flexibility, especially for those I choose to love or care for. It’s that I’m unwilling to go out of my for the sake of filling my life with people and compromising who I really am just to keep myself entertained.

It’s hard for me to hide my dislike or non-interest in people. I have no poker face when it comes to this. If I’m really not into it, I just won’t pretend. And I’ve tried really hard not to be blatantly mean, because I know I can come across that way.

So whatever. I was talking to someone the other day and I said that I feel with as fleeting and brief as life is, many people want to cram it full of things in order to feel achieved, accomplished or that it was all ‘worth it.’ I’m kind of the opposite. It all feels so pointless to say “I must or want to do X,Y,Z before I die.” I’d rather just not consider death as part of the equation and just let life be what it is for what I want out of it in this very moment.

Should I be taking some anti-depressant medication? Probably. But I’m too terrified of the side effects to actually take them. So there you go.

You’re welcome for this weird, depressing post on a Thursday night.

In other news, tomorrow’s Friday and a half-day at work so I may go to the beach and get some Vitamin D which will boost my spirits. Especially if I get drunk before I go.

29 years.

29 years. My how it’s flown by. Weird to think how good I feel at this moment and space in my life. Let’s be honest – the 20s are shit for most people. Tough, challenging, heartbreaking, life-defining, etc. A decade of evolution at breakneck speed without much of a map to lead you in the right direction.

Time spent surrounding yourself with people who begin to help define you (or help incriminate you) and then people whom you find yourself running from as soon as they’ve taught you that little nugget of wisdom that they waltzed in for.

It has taken me many years to feel comfortable within my skin and to have this ocean of peace drown all the chattering self-doubt that’s been present for such a long time. All that negative self-awareness has been a very durable friendship to me and it’s been difficult to give it up for behavior and actions that are more life positive.

But it’s been time.

Time to give up the old hangups. To put away the old crutches that served me well for so long. To look in the mirror and see what WAS there versus what wasn’t. To see the beauty in the totality of myself rather than dwell on the flaws or lacks.

2012 so far has been the year to, as the Florence & The Machine song goes, shake the devil off my back. I’m proud of the changes I’m making to be more honest, open and preservative of my ideals. And equally proud of the stretching happening to constantly move me further out of my self-imposed boundaries of comfort.

There’s something to be said that life is truly what you make of it. I have a very simplistic life and I like it that way. I like my state of peace. It’s hard for me to allow chaos to overtake it and disrupt it – but I see the benefit of chaos in that it colors a life and, as I said before, is the catalyst of change and growth. You can’t become whole without being pushed to places that are dark and ugly. Equally so, you have to go to the places that are light and beautiful and not be afraid of those either.

I think many people revel in the darkness of the soul. It’s hard to be light of heart and see/feel/embrace the goodness of what life can be and what it is if you just step back and let it be so.

Oddly enough, it also seems that I’m better today at loving myself and understanding what that means when it comes to my relationships with others. And it’s challenging to then offer solace to another who isn’t yet there. But as a very good friend told me via this book, when it’s time – it’s time. Just keep pace, placing a foot in front of the other.

It feels great to stop looking beyond yourself for fulfillment. Talk about taking the pressure off other people and removing any expectations from them. This shift has allowed me to become more appreciative of people as is.

Being able to burn the moral code you impose upon yourself and others just makes everyone so much more enjoyable. You become less “plugged in” to things that make you angry, because you stop denying those qualities in yourself. That took a good 29 years of learning, with the last 6 or 7 firmly putting that awareness into place.

At this point, with a year left of my 20s, I’m hopeful. I’m happy. I’m excited. I’m ready to push myself even more. I’m content with what I have made of my life so far but hungry for more, as always. So the adventure continues.

Funny how you strive to find the roadmap to feel as if your life has structure only to then reach a point wherein you forego the map and let go.

That’s where I’ve wanted to be. Now I’m here.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qWhMrLae-7Y

nothing is certain; not for any of us.

I’m not shy about seeing a therapist. I find that guilt or shame based around such a thing is silly and, if for no other reason, other people might be more inclined to pursue it in order to help them in their own life if I’m open about how it impacts my own.

Therapy has become such a helpful and positive thing in my life. While I think I went for one specific reason, other things obviously manifest themselves that deserve and require attention. But that’s the beautiful part. That the ‘thing’ that you want to discuss really is only a door to a platter of issues, emotions, feelings and thoughts that want addressing.

It’s interesting that most people whom I’ve told about therapy also wholeheartedly endorse it, with “Everyone should go to therapy” becoming the typical response.

Continue reading nothing is certain; not for any of us.

Today was a good day.

Today was good. Woke up feeling moderately refreshed and more aware or awake than I have in a few days. I went for a nice jog during my lunch hour today and after work decided I would take a hike down the coast from my apartment and head south and just stroll along the beach. I got to take my shoes off and walk on the sand and it was wonderful. It felt very zen. I had a little talk with Lake Michigan and basically thanked her and asked her to keep her eye on me, take care of me as it were.

Continue reading Today was a good day.